Your Essential Self

I am currently reading a book by Shauna Niequest, her newest book Present over Perfect. In the chapter titled “Baptism” she talks about your essential self. She says “I thought midlife season would be about pushing into a new future… and it is. I thought it would be about leaving behind the expectations and encumbrances of the past. It is. What I didn’t know is that it would feel so much like recovering an essential self, not like discovering a new one. Hold close to your essential self.” This has really been resonating with me lately because becoming a mom, I feel like I am supposed to be this completely different person, have it all put together, and have everything figured out. I feel like I am supposed to be this super mom, discover a new person, and come into this new persona.

But what I am really called to be is me. I feel like I have been recovering the person God created me to be through motherhood. It doesn’t have to look like all the other moms I see. It doesn’t have to look like the book I read about parenting. It just has to be me. As I take hold of this role, I want to recover the free, spirited, positive, loving, and open minded person I have always been. I don’t want to be tainted or wrecked by the world around me. I don’t want to get stuck in perfectionism or comparison. I just want to be me. So as I read this chapter, I realize growing up is about becoming more self aware. It is about embracing even more who God created me to be. Not discovering a new self. I am who I am and God created me as I am for a reason. So may my goal be to hold on to my essential self.

I post this picture because it isn’t every day you find yourself completely covered in mud. It isn’t often you find yourself at a camp surrounded by kids having to make a fool of yourself just for the fun of it. I could have been consumed with how am I going to get cleaned up after this, I’m cold, this is gross, feeling mud in every inch of my body, but instead I was able to live in the moment. Not care about what was to come or what had been, but to just be me completely dirty, covered in mud, and the mess that I am. Just how God wants me. He wants my mess. He wants my doubts. He wants my fears. He wants to hug me, right where I am, as dirty as I am. I don’t have to wait to go to him once I am clean or have it all figured out. I don’t have to hide the mud. I just have to be me. So that essential self that I know is within me, I don’t need to hide it. I need to embrace it. And be the person God created me to be, within the crazy circumstances of the world, within whatever life brings my way, amidst whatever my day brings. I am who I am, and have always had an essential self that is me. So live big!