Waiting…

Waiting… and waiting… and waiting… What are you waiting for? Maybe you aren’t waiting now, but you know what that feels like. Anxiety, stress, strife, unease, uncertainty, doubt. Whoever came up with the phrase the “waiting game” is crazy, because for me, games are fun and waiting is not. Yes I know, I know, you can learn alot through the process of waiting. It’s just HARD. I know waiting is supposed to be working on patience. I know that waiting creates opportunities to grow. I know waiting reminds us that we can’t have everything exactly how or when we want it. But sometimes it just flat out sucks. And the whole thing of “yes I am learning to be patient” can feel like it is covering up how I really feel. But here’s what I really want to say. “WAITING SUCKS! Haven’t I waited long enough? How long will it be?” Have you ever wanted to scream that too? I know I am not alone.

I have realized my sight is too nearsighted, my vision too narrow. I say I am trusting the Lord’s timing. I say I am okay in the process. But do my prayers really show that? Does my heart really feel that? I think moreso, I am waiting for what I want to happen. I want things how I want them… Is it okay to admit that?  I am not giving the waiting to the Lord to let His will be done. I am not fully surrendering my will. Yes I am waiting, there is no way around that. But my heart is impatient and frustrated that my plan isn’t in place. There is not peace in my soul. There is no quiet in my heart. There is just discontent. Because my perspective is wrong. I am thinking about what I want. Not what God wants. I am not living like I trust that God’s better is better and that he is doing more than I can even imagine.  Instead doubt creeps in. Instead there is no peace. Instead, I am stuck.

But I know God is calling me to keep striving, to keep reaching, to keep waiting. I am praying for that peaceful spirit no matter the circumstance. I am crying out to God for answers and insight. I am asking for his eyes. I am pursuing the life that he has more for me. But there’s moments when I feel like I can’t find it. Moments when I feel like I have lost my way. I have to believe no matter what the outcome, that God is in the waiting. It isn’t a game. It is real life. And it is my life. And I need to live it with a grateful and joyful heart trusting that God’s better is the best. The truth is, I am not waiting for God to show up, He is already here. I am the one who needs to open my eyes and pray for my unbelief. God is in the process. He is in the small things leading up to the big answers. He is in the everyday routine. He is in the moments of space. He is in the moments of busyness. He is all around me and he never changes.

I don’t have the answers to this whole patience and waiting thing. But I do serve a God that is in it with me. No matter how much I doubt or how much I struggle, my Lord doesn’t change. No matter how long I wait, He is one step ahead of me. No matter how impatient I am, my God is loving. No matter how much I think of myself, He loves me still. Here’s two songs that have been on my heart lately that I wanted to share with you.

We are not alone. God is with us, every step of the way. God goes before us. He is on this journey with me. I just need to keep living like I believe that.

We serve a good Father. A good father doesn’t withhold things from us because he has a different agenda. A good father does things for us that we cannot even understand. He knows us better than we know ourselves and he knows whats best. And has a different wisdom and perspective than we can even see. He is talking to me. Am I listening? He is walking with me. Am I running away? He is loving me. Am I receiving it? He knows me. Am I living in that freedom?

I am not even sure exactly what I am waiting for. I have been living my life waiting for something bigger or something better. I think this AHA moment will solve this weird place I have been in. But that’s not the answer. There is no arrival. There is only today. I have to be okay where I am now. I have to be content in the process. And that is where God wants me, to be me, exactly where I am, at this exact moment… So the waiting is where I am for today. Join me in trusting God in whatever it is you are waiting for. We can do this, but even more, God can do this!