It’s okay to NOT BE OKAY
Okay… that four letter word comes out of my mouth way too often (see, it just did!). How are you doing? Okay… How is work? Okay… How is life? Okay… What does OKAY even mean! Most of the time, okay is just a cover up for something deeper going on. It can be an excuse or a scapegoat to gloss over real issues. Sometimes, okay is the only word to describe the in between or confused emotions I am feeling. But what I really need to be okay with, is not being okay. I try so hard to be easy going that I don’t always voice my opinion. I try so hard to work things out on my own that I lie to myself about the depth of an issue. I try so hard to internalize things so I don’t make something an unnecessary conflict. But maybe it needs to be a discussion, disagreement, or conflict. Maybe I need to be honest. And maybe I need to speak up. What happens is something starts with being “just okay” and it ends up in frustration, bitterness, or resentment. I don’t ever set out for things to end up like that, but it happens. Something happens. I don’t want to react or be over dramatic. So I get quiet. I start thinking. And my emotions start eating away at me. At first the struggle was not that big of an issue, but now it is taking root and growing. Without even realizing it, something I tried to “deal with on my own” ends up being stirred up by something else. Then it comes out in my thoughts, words, and actions. NOT OKAY!
So where do I go from here? I have been realizing that I often say that an issue is something I am trying to figure out with me and God. Which can be a really good thing, only if I am really working out that issue with the Lord. I have experienced true growth and healing by working things out with me and God before I talk about them. Those times it is amazing to experience the transformative heart change and peace that the Lord brings. But the other times, when I go internal and try to fix myself on my own, I end up beating myself or others up (figuratively) more than needed. But I think part of that internalizing self assessment and “God talk” is an issue of pride. I want to look good on the outside so I don’t outwardly admit anything is wrong. So yes I may really be working on something with me and the Lord, but it is a form of control. It is easy to control something that is going on in my head. It is easy to control something that I am working out on my own. But being real is hard. Being vulnerable with disappointment, anger, struggles, and fears is scary. Verbalizing things brings the darkness into the light. Admitting things opens up the ability to ask for prayer. If I am feeling disappointed in someone else, but feel stupid that I am disappointed in something small, trivial, or may be even a big deal, I can’t always keep that inside. If I try to deal with it on my own because I don’t want to admit I am not okay, that is not going to get any better. I need to be okay with not being okay. I don’t have it all together. I am not perfect. I struggle with things. I don’t always make the best decisions. I don’t always respond appropriately. Some things are going to bother me that are not a big deal, but they still bother me. And I have to be willing to admit that and work it out. Sometimes working it out will be in my own heart. Sometimes working it out will be admitting it, even if it sounds stupid coming out of my mouth. Living is all about being real. It is all about making mistakes and growing. With failure, mishaps, or adversity we are able to experience the other side. We are able to let the Lord work on us and shine through the mess. We are all masterpieces, we just aren’t finished yet. So be okay with not being okay. And let the Lord meet you right where you are.
So how can I keep working on this?
-Honesty
-Real accountability
-Pray about things right away
-Voice what is going on in a matter of fact, non emotional way
-Ask others for prayer
How are you doing? Is there something that is not “okay” that you can first and foremost give to the Lord, but then do something about?
