A Strong Willed Child

As I have written before, I love listening to the Focus on the Family radio broadcast. I’ll usually put it on when we go on a walk so I can get some “me-time” while we can all enjoy getting some fresh air and looking for doggies (the kids favorite!). The material is so apparent to so many different aspects of marriage, parenting and family. I have learned so much from these 20 minute broadcasts and I usually end up wanting to buy most of the books they discuss because I want to learn more of the information they are sharing about! Today, I am writing about the broadcast called “Surviving the Strong-Willed Child Part 1” by Cynthia Tobias. This is the third time I’ve listened to it because, well, we have a strong willed child…

Our 2 1/2 year old daughter is strong willed! And it has been pushing us to the brink…so we have been searching for some material that may be our “golden ticket”, some strategies that will work for us and our little one to bring a little more peace in our home and overall lives.

Here are some of the points in the discussion that really stood out to me…

Strong Will is Not a Negative Trait

Strong will does not mean rebellion, defiance, and disobedience. These are characteristics that need to be dealt with but it can be done without distinguishing the strong will. Strong will is what pushes one to move ahead. God can use strong will!

“You don’t need to get the strong will out of your child…you need to teach your child how to use the strong will to bring honor and glory to God.”

“Strong will is not a negative trait, it’s one of the most powerful and positive traits a child can have. And, if you were blessed with a strong willed child, you have been complimented greatly by God.”

Strong willed people do not have trouble with authority

Strong willed people agree that authority is good, but the trouble comes with how the authority is communicated. “Do it or else” does not work. A strong willed child does not want a boss or to be forced to do something. But they need to be held accountable and given consequences when rules are disobeyed. A parent’s authority can still stay in tack while you are respecting your child. Give the choices with clear consequences but try to say it in a positive way instead of yelling.

“(It is not your job to make your child obey… ) …it is your job to teach them, hold them accountable, to motivate and inspire and not let them get away with bad behavior, but it is not your job to force them.”

“God himself is the only one who would ever be able to force you to something against your free will, and He never has and He never will…There are certain inevitable consequences if you choose to disobey…I (strong willed child) can choose the consequences if I want to.”

(This example was so eye opening to me…)

“We had a rule in the police department. When you pulled over a violator when they were speeding or they had a violation, you did one of two things. You either wrote them a ticket or you gave them a lecture and left them off with a warning. Now, here was the rule, see. If you were gonna give them a ticket, you couldn’t give them a warning, too. They didn’t have to listen to a lecture ‘cause they’re getting a ticket. If you’re not gonna give them a ticket, then they have to listen to the lecture ‘cause they’re not getting a ticket, so they gotta endure a lecture, but you can’t do both.

I’m convinced when it comes to parenting, especially the strong-willed, independent, spirited child that we give way too few tickets and we give way too many emotional warnings.

“How many times have I told you this? Do I have to tell you this one more time ‘cause I’ll tell you what. Didn’t I say that this would happen? Why did you do this again? I’m not kidding, if you don’t…”

Write me the ticket. Just write me the ticket, and could we move on? I did the wrong thing. I know that. Write me the ticket. I pay the fine. I might get another ticket a couple more times before I stop doing it, but stop yelling at me. The yelling has no effect whatsoever except to alienate me. And you need a relationship with me as your strong-willed child. You need a relationship, because if you don’t have a relationship that I want to keep and preserve with you, you’ve got no leverage. You’ve got nothing.”

A way to keep the relationship is by communicating authority in a way that shows RESPECT and LOVE, not dictatorship.

These tools are so important, and can be so difficult to remember in the moment. Can any mamas relate??? I’m hoping that as I can implement these words of advice and strategies, it will not only help me to see the positives that come from Sophie’s strong will but that it also helps my daughter to grow in who she is and in our relationship, as well. And, also that I can remember to LOVE above all!

Moms of Strong Willed Children…What strategies have worked for you and your kids??